i have thought of only two things...

...that bug me more than being told to relax when I'm already perfectly calm. One of them is Rod Stewart; the other, surprisingly enough, is not Bam Margera.

Moving on... ever think about what an amazing thing it is that correspondence sign-offs like "Truly yours" were able to become common? Because, you know... damn, what a commitment that is. Truly yours. Yours sincerely. Wow. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

shake trip shimmy

Advertisement stuck on my car window today:

"Psychic Readings by Laura. Under New Management"

1. So, it's another Laura, then?

2. You'd think they'd psychic up their revenue projections.

Unrelated: tonight the theory was advanced that the reason Jesus always turned the other cheek was due to OCD, which instilled in him an overwhelming need to even things out.

whoa

The other night, I drove home in the rainy dark listening to Beethoven.

KICK ASS.

poke fun at the elderly!

From Yahoo! Sports' preview of the Penn State-Notre Dame game:

"Paterno had an abrupt answer when asked if Notre Dame might be vulnerable at home after losing to Southern California and Michigan State in South Bend last season.

'I haven't got the slightest idea what you're talking about,' the 41-year coaching veteran said. He then shambled angrily away, toddling along in a sort of strange series of ellipses toward his car, which was parked at an angle of approximately 30 degrees across the 45-yard line. His players continued discreetly conducting their drills around the vehicle as Paterno screamed for 'these goddamn kids' to 'get the fuck off [his] lawn.'"

<3 JoePa.

Also, this is how the cleaning lady at work says she prepares fish:

"I bread it, you know, with the bread, right? And then season it with the seasons."

i bring you bad writing...

courtesy of the Homeownership Preservation Foundation, front and center in one of their press releases:

Are you among the millions of American homeowners who financed a home with an adjustable rate mortgage (ARM) loan? You aren't alone.

NO FREAKIN' WAY!

this is an apb

Who wants to go to the goddamn Astros-Phillies game tomorrow?

Roger Clemens. Cole Hamels. 3:05 start time. I mean, come ON.

(The above question is rhetorical.)

Possibly the best comic strip collection ever: The Boondocks, "Because I Know You Don't Read The Newspaper."

Observe: (Huey's prospective teacher and principal are chatting about the difficulties of having a black kid in class.)

Teacher: "I don't know anything about black people. What if I say the wrong thing? The school will get sued - I'll lose my job..."

Principal: "I'm way ahead of ya, John. I've already asked the board for emergency 'sensitivity training' funds. Not much, but it's a start."

T: "Sensitivity training?"

P: "I rented a bunch of movies from a video store in the city. They should give you a good exposure to black culture."

T: "'Menace II Society?' 'Shaft's Big Score!'? 'Dolemite'? 'The Mack'?

P: "Enjoy. Late fees are on you."

Next day's, continued:

T: "Do you think a movie named 'Booty Call' will really make me more racially sensitive, sir?"

P: "The black kid behind the counter said it was a classic. Look, we have 'Truck Turner,' 'B.A.P.S.,' 'Black Belt Jones' - all powerful portrayals of the black experience, according to that kid - and he should know. See here? Jim Kelly in 'Black Samurai.' I bet you didn't even know there were black samurai. You're learning already."

T: "Sir, was the kid behind the counter laughing when you rented these?"

P: "They're a naturally jovial people, John."

"They're a naturally jovial people." Brilliant.

from the 'aww' files...

Caitlin, sitting next to Dan, decides to her head on his shoulder.

Dan says, "You gettin' tired, babe?"

Cait: "No. You're just soft."

Studio audience: "AWWWWWWW."

A bit later, "Isn't She Lovely" (Stevie Wonder, I think?) was on the radio. Got stuck in my head. I started singing it. Cait's still got her head on Dan's shoulder, eyes closed now. I'm rocking out. "Isn't she preeeeeeciousssssssssss,"

Dan grins, vaguely impish, and nods.

Studio audience: "AWWWWWWW."

*

On another note. Billboard on City Ave., I think, advertising Gosling's Bermuda Black Rum, which I've never heard of before seeing it. Biggest part of the billboard is taken up with a picture of the bottle, and next to it, in large type:

"UNAVAILABLE ALMOST EVERYWHERE."

Then, smaller, the tagline at the bottom: "Gosling's. For seven stubborn generations."

And the fine print, which was something like: "If you do manage to find a bottle, please drink responsibly."

Nice.