it's words!

i've noticed you around

2009-07-22T08:22:00.000-04:00

Take a listen to "Trampled Under Foot" by Led Zeppelin, and then "No You Girls" by Franz Ferdinand, and tell me what you hear.

just a little bit of danger

2009-05-27T08:11:00.002-04:00

The Google confirms that I am not the first person to notice and giggle at Fangboner Road.

how to live on only water, bread and rice

2009-04-14T19:30:00.002-04:00

It's 60 degrees out now. Not a cloud in the sky.

Get the conditions right, and this city is ridiculously freaking beautiful.

dear sir or madam:

2009-04-10T03:46:00.001-04:00

loves me.

let it out, and let it in

2009-04-09T21:41:00.001-04:00

Loves me, loves me not. :P

i just settled all my lawsuits

2009-04-02T21:07:00.001-04:00

How 'bout Nittany Lion basketball? I sort of thought they got boned on Selection Sunday - they have some real nice wins to go with the ugly losses - but the NIT championship is quite a consolation prize.

a nightmare straight from an otto dix

2009-03-27T20:23:00.001-04:00

I wish there were a lot of people I didn't like in law school, so that I could say snarky things like "Everyone here seems to have a sixth sense, and it's OF ENTITLEMENT!"

Ba-zing!

But there aren't. :(

the stars collided

2009-03-08T17:50:00.002-04:00

It's weird how lately I've been really busy but it's still not at all interesting.

I put some pictures up on Facebook if you want to get a little visual information on what things are like around here.

Damn this lost hour!

sparks fly from her fingertips

2009-02-08T19:16:00.000-05:00

No likey Cruzan.

it's where you wanna get snowed in when you get snowed in

2009-01-29T10:22:00.002-05:00

Theory:

When God was working on the Upper Midwest, He set the thermostat before He got to work on the landscape. And it was very cold. So God picked up a bit of a bug that was going around, but kept working because He's pretty industrious, and while at work He sneezed. But - because who's going to call out God for this? - He did not stifle, or cover His divine nose or anything like that.

And that is why there are ten thousand lakes in Minnesota.

don't call it a comeback!

2009-01-16T00:09:00.004-05:00

I know nobody cares about Gopher basketball - indeed, possibly nobody cares about basketball at all - but tonight's 78-74 overtime win at Wisconsin was super badass. I'm kind of a Kentucky fan, too, so I'm doubly biased, but it's awfully hard to root against Tubby Smith; classy guy and a pretty good coach, too. This was only the fourth home loss of Bo Ryan's Big Ten career, and Minnesota's first win at Wisconsin since 1994.

Without dwelling, they were playing very poorly and down by 14 in the second half, and needed a three-pointer by Lawrence Westbrook (Brian's cousin, for true!) to tie up with 2 seconds left and send it to overtime. He ended up with 29 points, plus he's cute. Who said that?

I watched it at Mac's Industrial Sports Bar, in northeast Mpls, which is notable for the solid music they play and for the presence of a dartboard, which hosted my comprehensive halftime cricket victory. There were a lot of people there but not so many you couldn't get a table, and everybody got really into the game in the second half and overtime - quite fun.

Bo Ryan actually looks a LOT like the Grinch:

A Google search confirms that I am not the first person to think that, but I came up with it on my own, so ha ha ha.

The Gopher women had a nice road win today too; they upset #15 Ohio State in Columbus - first-ever Minnesota win at Ohio State, after 23 straight losses.

I should've mentioned at the end of my last post that the only real effect of my interesting trip was to strengthen my resolve to get a camera.

my sweet lord...

2009-01-13T21:36:00.005-05:00

This ain't gonna be real organized...

1. I drove into a sinkhole in Zanesville, Ohio. (Ohio sucks anyway, but this doesn't help.)

I think it happened just a little bit to the left of this picture (Maria Adornetto's Restaurant), but not at the same time. In my defense, I was just trying to turn around, and the place looked like a parking lot; the curb even sloped into it. (Another guy pulled in and just parked, successfully, only a minute after I went in there!) The "lot" in question was largely snow-covered but there was grass visible in spots; no big deal, I figured. But there was this iced-over sinkhole (or to put it as Westley might, a Puddle Of Unusual Size) that was, I swear, obscured by the snow, and the ice was not thick enough to support the front end of a Nissan Versa.

It was sort of one of those things where you think, "Ah, no big deal, becaused that didn't just happen." (Turns out it did.) The front wheels were about half-submerged; this necessitated my first-ever encounter with a towing service. I got the number by wandering around Zanesville for a few minutes until I found a music shop's (actual) parking lot with a sign that threatened to tow non-customers. The tow truck showed up probably 15 minutes after I called, and the driver looked like Santa Claus except his beard wasn't in Christmas shape. Also, the other guy who parked after me was in the way, so I got to go into the restaurant and explain the situation to the woman at the front (probably in her sixties, dressed like a well-to-do witch queen, although certainly pleasant). She said, "Oh my," and explained to me that it wasn't actually a parking lot, that the actual parking lot was farther up and across the street. OH THANKS, I'LL JUST GO BACK IN TIME AND FIX IT, THEN.

Tosh. Enough of that. I got out, and I got to see a winch in action, and the car's fine and accepted my apology.

2. Everywhere that there is no good radio, there is Christian radio. I listened to a lot of it, hoping to convert. No luck. "Family News in Focus" is a particularly, um, interesting program. It was just a news headlines type of thing, and it would go from a fairly typical story about, say, the weather in North Dakota, to a brief story about the coalescing Obama cabinet - and in that one, the perky woman delivering the, um, news would very matter-of-factly call people "man-made global warming crusaders." She called Steven Chu, the pick for Secretary of Energy, a "practictioner of the fringe sciences of alternative energy." What?

To me, that is a stark contrast with another Christian-themed radio show I heard in Iowa, which was just a bunch of women talking about being mothers. (The Christianity was mostly tangential - a support mechanism, you know.) I thought that one was actually really nice - they were just discussing how sometimes you just don't feel like being a "perfect mom" and how it's frigging okay to feel that way because no one is perfect at anything. One lady e-mailed in a comment saying that she is pregnant and is, to be honest, really kind of upset about it because she already has a kid who's about to enter kindergarten and she thought she was finally going to get some time to herself. I think that's understandable.

3. I'm getting out of geographic order, here, but I'll stick with radio for a second. Also in Iowa, I was flipping through the stations and found some pop channel. Now, I had heard of Colbie Caillat before, but never had I actually heard a song of hers. She's pretty bad, isn't she? "When you kiss my nose, the feeling shows." She is a rhyming queen. What do I kiss to make her have a fit?

4. I realized that the only states that start with the same letter and border each other are Iowa and Illinois, and Illinois and Indiana. The only other states that are connected alphabetically and geographically are Florida and Georgia.

5. I got gas in Postville, Iowa and the 89-octane stuff was cheaper than the 87. This blew my mind and I wandered from pump to pump to see if it was a typo. It wasn't. A guy who worked there came strolling out of the store and asked if everything was going okay; I told him I was confused. Turns out they put more ethanol into the "plus" and that makes it cheaper. Only, apparently, in Iowa. (I checked, once I crossed the border into Minnesota, to make sure.)

6. Slogan of the town of Luxemburg, Iowa: "Where Highways Meet." That makes me laugh. It's not too far from, for example, Indiana's bland-but-understandable slogan, "Crossroads of America," but it's missing something. "Where Highways Meet," standing alone, sounds about as significant as "Where Three Streets are Named After Trees" or something like that.

7. There is more Iowa coming, but I need to break it up with some Illinois: When people talk about "America's crumbling infrastructure," they are talking specifically about Interstate 74 between Bloomington and Peoria, whether they know it or not. You better pick the correct lane at the beginning of the highway, because you risk losing a wheel if you try crossing that center line.

8. Speaking of Bloomington, that's my new favorite place for the next day or so. That is where I finally found a functional car wash after the Zanesville adventure - best $1.25 I ever spent - plus the sweet girl at the gas station gave me a $2 bill in my change.

9. Iowa has a reputation (mostly deserved, I think) for being somewhat graphically staid, but it turns out eastern Iowa (and, for that matter, southeastern Minnesota) is about as flat as Scarlett Johansson. I had to downshift!

10. In southern Minnesota there was a sign on the side of the road that said "CONCENTRATE ON DRIVING." It is probably aimed at people who are talking on their cell phones, but since I wasn't, the effect was more like one of those shirts that say "Stop looking at my shirt." I felt like I had fallen for a trick.

11. So I got back here, grabbed a couple of things from the car to start the unpacking process, and walked in to my (basement) apartment. There was a sound like a rushing stream. "Sounds like a rushing stream," I thought, and looked around, and it turns out it was a stream. There's this pump mounted to my wall and there was a steady flow of water coming out and hitting the carpet. There was (and is) a visible squishy spot, maybe four feet long along the wall and extending maybe a foot out into the room.

I had no idea how long it had been going on, or how to stop it, so I just sort of pushed at the pump, and it kicked on. Oho! Fixed? No, a couple of minutes later it started leaking again.

End result: there is a hole puncher jammed between the wall and the back of the pump to hold the basin level so that it activates when it's supposed to instead of indefinitely overflowing.

Wow.

an okie from muskogee...

2009-01-09T12:43:00.004-05:00

Haha, Sooners. The Boise State one is my favorite.

i'm your nightmare little man

2009-01-04T15:39:00.001-05:00

OOPS GUESS I WAS WRONG USC IS SUPER CLASSY.

...

%&#@.

heart of rock and roll

2008-12-03T21:23:00.001-05:00

I've decided to spell it Pennsylvaña from now on, just to piss off Hazleton.

Virgiña, too!

i'm not ashamed. ain't that news?

2008-11-18T00:00:00.006-05:00

I need to put this above the fold because I'll forget about it if I don't write it right away. It's hilarious to me, and may also amuse anyone else who follows the NBA, and maybe others if I'm lucky. So, the Timberwolves' marketing slogan for this year is: "See What They Can Do." (They're 1-8 so far.) The PR staff is nothing if not realistic, it seems.

Probably I should wrap up the open ends from my last post. Poll-watching went off virtually without a hitch. There were a couple noteworthy incidents, though:

Minnesota has paper ballots that are basically like the Scantron sheets we used in school, which you fill out and then put into the counting machine yourself. This is important only as it relates to the case of one remarkable wheelchair-bound dude who retained only 25% of the stock human number of limbs. He drove himself to the polling place, wheeled himself inside by using his one leg to drag the chair along, used what little flesh existed past his shoulders to hold the pen and fill out his ballot himself (remember, these are little ovals that need to be darkened completely so a machine can read them), and then managed to slide it into the ballot counter - and its in-tray, which I'd say about 10% of the be-armed voters were having trouble with, was just about level with this dude's eyes. I tried not to gawk, but it was pretty freaking impressive.

One of the election judges thought so too, a hale-and-hearty 84-year-old named (really) Doc Watson, who was moved by the sight to say something to the effect of "Now that's what you call true grit." He was an interesting character himself; a good number of people who came in to vote knew him and said hello, and I'm pretty sure Doc (your mental picture of him wearing a red checkered flannel shirt is correct, by the way) did not know every single one of them, but he humored them well enough. He talked to me a little bit, and in the brief span of time we knew each other managed to tell me the same story twice (with several hours between tellings, in his defense). For some reason, the fact that four-inch-spike high-heels had been in vogue in the 1930s, and are now coming back into fashion, really stuck in his mind. His sister used to wear them back then, you see, and boy, he just doesn't see what the point is. Heh heh heh, they had a high-heel race in Minneapolis awhile back, and it was just something like 50 yards or so, but that's about 49 yards farther than Doc would want to go!

He also said funny things like "Talk is cheap, unless it's back-talk, as any cop will tell you," which was in response to my confession about getting pulled over on the way to Willmar.

"Virtually" without a hitch means that even though I woke up in time to re-experience how terrible Comfort Sunshine Roast coffee is, I got lost and arrived a few minutes late*, which was awkward for a number of reason, but we overcame. Also, Obama got frigging trounced in my precinct, but at this point I am okay with that.

I'm sure I don't need to explain how much "Saved By Zero" makes me want to throttle sparrows.

Back to the East Coast in a little more than a month! That'll be cool.

*This was Google Maps' fault. "A" is where the map said I should be; "B" is approximately the correct location. As you can see, they are very different:

View Larger Map

Only a fortuitous confluence of two things led me to discover the actual location. First, my pride was at an ebb; second, the place Google led me to was, while not the Ward 1, Precinct 1 polling place, the location of a dry-cleaning shop, the proprietor of which a.) apparently arrives at work very early and b.) knew exactly where the Willmar Senior Citizens' Building was, for some happy reason. I couldn't be happier for Schwegman's Cleaners that their only review on Google Maps, now that I look, is a positive one.

oh, the prairie lights are burnin' bright, the chinook wind is a-movin' in

2008-11-03T22:30:00.002-05:00

Tonight marks my return to seeing Minnesota as I first did - fenestrally, via my car and, as now, a hotel room with a parking lot view. (And pizza, natch.) The parking lot has a truly shocking number of Oldsmobiles in it. We're talking double digits. It's almost creepy.

The Oldsmobiles are located in the town of Willmar (rhymes with the pig in Charlotte's Web), seat of the county of Kandiyohi (you're starting to say the word "candidate," but you're excited to notice some old friends in the midst of saying the word and instantly attempt to attract their attention with "YO! Hi!"). It's about a hundred miles west of Minneapolis, closer to South Dakota than to the Metrodome.

I find myself here deployed by the presumably strategic whim of the Obama campaign, which does NOT say "Oh, thanks so much, but you really don't have to to do this!" when you offer to volunteer. Tomorrow I'm going to be a "poll challenger" here in Willmar, with strict instructions from the campaign not actually to challenge anybody, and to make sure my Republican counterpart doesn't do so (successfully), either.

I'm not woefully unprepared for this. And even if I were, I have a packet of Handy Reference Materials and a big smile that should see me through the day, which may in fact turn out to be eventful. There's a chicken plant here, staffed, one would imagine, by many immigrants of uncertain status, and Willmar was the site of one of those Immigration and Customs Enforcement raids a year or so ago. I reckon that folks here who're undocumented will have the sense not to call attention to themselves by showing up at the polls. There are probably also several perfectly legal and registered Hispanic or Somali voters around, and that'd be where I suspect problems will arise, if any do.

I'm gonna wear a red shirt, just to try and throw people off.

When they gave me the location assignment, I was pretty thrilled, because I figured this would be a good chance to explore the state some. (Even though I'd been hoping more for north than west.) What I had forgotten was that, because of the time change this weekend, it is PITCH FRIGGING BLACK when you start a mini-road trip at 6:00 p.m. But the trip was not devoid of fun! No, there were two notable incidents:

The first was in the blink-and-you-miss-it village of Darwin, where I'm guessing town's namesake is none too popular. My headlights were burning bright and true, and I am thankful for that, because they revealed a sign on the side of the road proudly proclaiming: "TWINE BALL MUSEUM."

You could Wiki that shit, but why not instead go to the TWINE BALL'S ACTUAL WEB SITE? It is of course www.darwintwineball.com.

Oh God there's an online gift shop. I know what I want for Christmas.

The second incident took place in Litchfield. Driving through it, I was ready - for no real reason whatsoever - to proclaim it The Worst Town in America. That would've been entirely arbitrary. I didn't stop there at all. I just don't like the name, there was no twine ball, and the townscape was uninspiring and static as I drove through.

You don't appreciate how nice uninspiring and static can be until your rearview mirror springs to flashing, red-and-blue life. The cop was probably 40 or so, mustachioed (of course) and extremely chipper. I gave him my license and he took it back to his car while I rooted around for my insurance card. I was still rooting when he came back.

"Do you know what the posted speed limit is in town back there?"

"No, sir." (Not, in point of fact, a lie.)

"Okay, well, it's 30. I had you clocked at 43, sittin' in the parking lot of the Casey's there."

"Okay." I honestly don't know how fast I was going, but I was fully prepared for the number to start with a 5, so that was actually kind of a relief to me. I was also wondering if, given the fundraising records set this year, Barack might contribute to my cause, or at least refund my money so that I could.

"No luck finding that insurance card?"

"No, sir. I do have insurance, it's through GEICO..."

"You don't have anything? Expired, or anything?"

"Expired? Oh, sure, I've got one... two expired ones, last one just expired in September." Matt's seen my glove compartment and can attest to my keen filing system. There's probably proof of RX-7 insurance from 2001 in there.

"And all this information is the same now?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, I'm just gonna give you a warning on the speed. Make sure you get a current insurance card and carry that with you. You slow down now, and have a good night."

!!

Litchfield, Minnesota: The Best Town in America.

There are two clocks in my hotel room here. The one on the microwave says 12:08. The one on the alarm clock says 10:07.

The actual time is 11:05.

Someone must've thought, "Fall forward? Fall back? Is this Indiana, do we even do that?!" and panicked.

This is an unusually point-by-point post for me but is serving a therapeutic value in that I may be able to overcome my Election Day nerves - wholly unrelated to my duties tomorrow - and sleep tonight.

More pronunciations:

Ely: EEL-ee, as if you were describing something that was like an eel
Excelsior: Excel-zhur
Mahtomedi: Mah-toe-MEE-die
Eric Decker: STUD-lee

If I did that question-answering-mosaic thing, for my first name I'd try to find a picture of somebody plowing Elizabeth Banks. Right?

sundown, you better take care

2008-10-19T15:09:00.003-04:00

I will never be as good at anything as Evan Royster is at running with a football in his hands. Humbling thought.

a pirate's life for

2008-10-15T08:59:00.002-04:00

This morning I woke up next to (SCANDAL?!?!!) a small triangular chunk of what used to be my ceiling. (Aw man.)

coming back from some mill in wisconsin

2008-10-11T22:29:00.001-04:00

I'm pretty sure the crowd was just chanting "Let's get wasted!" Can't blame 'em. How many total things can Daryll Clark and Anthony Morelli possibly have in common? I can only think of two - species and school.

nothing comes for free

2008-10-10T20:47:00.002-04:00

Hey, Philadelphia, can I interest you in some $2.89 gasoline?

"Hey, Zac, can we interest you in a kickass playoff series?"

Touché.

ambition makes you look pretty ugly

2008-10-07T00:07:00.004-04:00

A Beginner's Guide to Minnesota
Part 1 of X

* On the Language of the Native Minnesotan:

The first thing to know about Minnesotans is how to call them Minnesotans. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, PRONOUNCE THE "T." But don't just make it a "d," either. "Minneso-ns" is the only correct pronunciation. (Not sure how to deal with that "n"? You're doing it right if you feel it in the back of your throat a little bit, which is what she said.) This rule is observed fastidiously by newscasters and politicians who fear that their credibility will be destroyed by over-enunciating. Maddeningly, strict enunciation of the letter "t" is the true Minnesotan's guiding rule for every single word other than "Minnesotan."

Pronunciation of geographic names in Minnesota is governed by a simple rule: if there is a reasonable degree of doubt about the way the name can be pronounced, you, the foreigner, will select the incorrect pronunciation. (This is in contrast to a straightforward state such as, for example, Texas, where Nacogdoches is the only city you could possibly screw up.) You can use the following examples to help you on the path, but you'll forget everything the instant you need it.

Edina: ee DY na

Shakopee: SHOCK a pee

Nicollet: NICK lit

Wayzata: why ZET uh

Also, it's "pop," not soda, and when you order a mixed drink with cheap liquor at the bar, it's not a well drink, it's a "rail drink."

* On the Diversity of the Local Populace

The Twin Cities are known primarily for Scandinavian heritage, the influence of which is still strong, but two major immigrant populations today are in the ascendant: Somalis and Hmong.

Somalis are present in large-enough numbers that city signs are often presented in both English and the fascinating Somali language, which boasts a liberal use of vowels. For example, NO SMOKING appears to translate as "SIGAAR LAGUMA CABI KARO GOOBTAAN." The Somali influence is most apparent in the Cedar-Riverside area of Minneapolis, by the West Bank of the Mississippi, an area affectionately known as "Little Mogadishu."

Hmong is pronounced "mung," which has resulted in at least one awkward conversation in which your chronicler was, thankfully, only peripherally involved.

The Twin Cities feature widespread religious diversity, too. Judaism was a mere theory before I moved to Ithaca (whereupon my reaction was as follows: "Wow! Jews!"); in the same way, I was not acquainted with anything more than the idea of the Latter-day Saints and their church before coming to Minneapolis. ("Wow! Mormons!" Three, at last count. Really great folks.)

* On the Weather

It's like 60 degrees outside. No problem there!

goodbye, rudy tuesday

2008-01-30T08:45:00.000-05:00

Please note that I called it on May 3, 2007.

teach your children well

2007-11-28T00:46:00.000-05:00

One trend that's gotta stop sometime is this thing in commercials where tens of people repeat each other, or finish each other's sentences. Maybe it was innovative the first time. But come on. Overload.

Today at work, order number 5555555 came in. 6666666 isn't going to come around, by my count, for just about three years precisely. I don't think there was enough ceremony attached to this rare occasion.

i'm a highway star

2007-11-14T08:58:00.000-05:00

Vicarious drama is better than the real thing in every aspect, save one: you have to wait for updates.

I don't like to kill bugs, but I really don't like roaches.

Robert Englund was in an early episode of MacGyver, playing a nuclear scientist. That's crazy.

Those three statements were completely unrelated to each other.

if i ain't dead already, girl

2007-10-12T10:10:00.000-04:00

I'm finally reading my first bit of for-a-brief-time-Ithacan Kurt Vonnegut. Player Piano from 1952. It's not precisely what I was expecting, in that it's not screamingly hilarious so far (60 pages in), but it's a pretty good story and there's some interesting writing going on too.

For example. "As she handed Paul his cocktail, he felt somehow inadequate, bumbling, in the presence of her beautiful assurance. Only things that might please or interest her came to his mind - all else submerged. It wasn't a conscious act of his mind, but a reflex, a natural response to her presence. It annoyed him..."

And then this bit, which was pretty amusing.

"The Shah clapped his hands delightedly and continued to stare at Private First Class Hacketts, who was a huge, healthy man. 'Niki Takaru!' he cried, exhaling a strong effluvium of Sumklishi.

'No Takaru!' said Doctor Halyard. 'Sol-dee-yers.'

'What's he say?' said General of the Armies Bromley.

'Said they're a fine bunch of slaves,' said Halyard. He turned to the Shah again and waggled his finger at the small, dark man. 'No Takaru. No, no, no.'

Khashdrahr seemed baffled, too, and offered Halyard no help in clarifying the point.

'Sim koula Takaru, akka sahn salet?' said the Shah to Khashdrahr.

Khashdrahr shrugged and looked questioningly at Halyard. 'Shah says, if these not slaves, how you get them to do what they do?'

'Patriotism,' said General of the Armies Bromley sternly. 'Patriotism, damn it.'"

and the muscular cyborg german dudes

2007-10-09T22:25:00.000-04:00

I'm watching this Republican debate (replay), and it's striking how many of the things they say go unchallenged. Not that they're lying, or even that they're necessarily wrong, but that so much of it seems skewed and no one gets called out for it.

Just by way of example, citing statistics (without saying where they're from, which is an entire issue in and of itself) that say things like "the average American family saved $X thanks to Tax Cut Y." Averages are beautiful things. Let's say a hundred families make $80K a year and save exactly nil, while one family pulls down $10 million and saves a few hundred grand... well, that'll help out the average a lot.

It's also crazy how they're saying the economy is in fantastic shape despite two-thirds of Americans thinking otherwise. Again, they may not be wrong - I certainly think they believe what they're saying - but you've got to have a better way to communicate it than what is essentially this: "No... no, you're actually doing very well, you just don't know it. Why, look at the Dow!"

hey hey baby hey

2007-09-25T11:42:00.000-04:00

You know, you can't legitimately say "Another day, another dollar" unless you're only making $365 a year. That'd suck.

this just feels like spinning

2007-09-23T20:14:00.000-04:00

Okay, so let's say hypothetically there was a certain bitter, licorice-like herb which, when eaten, would bestow upon the consumer unmatched kindness and moral clarity. Could that be called - again, hypothetically - a tarragon of virtue?

i met a fox the other day

2007-09-22T00:36:00.000-04:00

Think there's any chance of a Megan Mullally sex tape emerging? Fingers crossed, everyone.

I'm gonna be an uncle! I'm irrationally stoked about this.

fighting fighting yes i'm fighting not to

2007-09-20T00:10:00.000-04:00

Surely one of the worst things about being a politician is having to be willing to repeat your jokes countless times because they may be new to whatever audience you're addressing. If I were John McCain, I'd have been pretty pleased with myself the first time I pulled out the one that goes: "You know, some people say Congress spends money like a drunken sailor; I once got a letter from a retired Navy fellow that said, 'As a former drunken sailor, I resent that comparison!'" But then as I'd have to tell it again and again at debates and town halls and to individual Iowans and New Hampshirites, I'd probably die a little inside each time.

these arms - these arms long to hold you - hold you again

2007-09-11T09:37:00.000-04:00

I find myself in the untenable and uncomfortable position of defending Fred Thompson, who said that Osama bin Laden, quote, "ought to be caught and killed," but that "we've got due process to go through. I'm not suggesting those things (catching and killing) happen simultaneously."

I'm pretty sure he's right - that we do, in fact, have a process that we go through in such situations - but Thompson's catching flak for saying we're gonna do anything other than catch him, interrogate him, and decapitate him, boom boom boom.

http://firstread.msnbc.msn.com/archive/2007/09/11/354887.aspx

"*** Tennessee, We Have A Problem: Yesterday, we said Thompson hadn't yet made a flub like Wes Clark did in 2003 (when he couldn’t answer a reporter’s questions whether or not he would have voted for the 2002 Iraq war resolution -- a big no-no for someone campaigning as the anti-war general). But now, we're not so sure: Can a Republican presidential candidate really flub what they'd do with Osama, not once (symbolism) but twice (due process)?"

It's much like how Rudy is going to get creamed for saying illegal immigration is not and should not be a criminal matter.

Jiminy, I need a shower after that.

i wanna love you all over

2007-08-31T01:18:00.000-04:00

Chris Klein, Missourian:

when the lights go down in the city

2007-08-16T09:54:00.000-04:00

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/08/15/
AR2007081502309.html?wpisrc=newsletter

"Still, Giuliani did not stray far from his Sept. 11 image, using tough language in response to questions about immigration and terrorism and even discussing fingerprint imaging technology -- not exactly typical fairground fare.

And for some, that was fine. Melissa Curiel, 34, brought her daughter to meet the former mayor. 'He was there on 9/11, and that makes him an awesome person,' said Curiel, describing herself as a committed Giuliani voter."

Someone talk some sense into Melissa Curiel, 34.

Mr. Beckham from last night:

it's so easy, it's so easy to do

2007-08-15T22:42:00.000-04:00

Man, anyone who says David Beckham doesn't still have it... well... is wrong. Damn.

cakes on the griddle

2007-08-14T10:29:00.001-04:00

No, for real. Pancakes for breakfast! How can this not be the best Tuesday ever?

your best irish whiskey and drink with me

2007-08-14T00:10:00.000-04:00

I had the craziest dictator-apocalyptic dream last night. This cat was somehow benignly evil, and he scared the bejesus out of everybody. He was still comfortably in control when I woke up. I hope somebody's successfully revolted in the meantime.

steady watch me navigate ha ha ha ha haaaaaa

2007-08-13T07:26:00.000-04:00

Karl Rove is resigning. I'm gonna have to figure out how to react to that.

thank you for the rhythm; thank you for the blues

2007-08-12T23:01:00.000-04:00

Damn that elusive art museum! I'll get it eventually...

I ask myself how these guys can be so calm while kicking so much ass:

I hope Mike Huckabee gets some kind of bump from this straw poll thing. He's by a good stretch the least scary of the bunch.

Jane: I'm Jane. Steve's girlfriend.

Susan: Susan. Pleased to meet you. (to Steve) You have a girlfriend?

Steve: Well, at the moment.

Susan: At the moment?!

Steve: You're early!

Ha ha!

in a way i guess it was

2007-08-10T09:58:00.000-04:00

The following is quoted, and one of the funniest things I've seen in hours:

DEPT. OF 9/11 CHANGED EVERYTHING
Terrorist Mexican Child Molesters In Post-9/11 Surge!

According to this charming pre-school window display at Tom Tancredo’s campaign office in Council Bluffs, the Illegal Mexicans have raped 17,576 white children since 9/11, which is possibly the most ridiculous combination of fear-mongering statistics we’ve ever seen. In other words, Tom Tancredo will probably be our next president.

greasy grimy gopher guts...

2007-07-20T10:38:00.000-04:00

Rudy Giuliani on al-Qaeda's resurgence: "This cannot be like a horror movie. You know, in the horror movie you kill the monster, and the hand re-emerges. And if you're not looking, the hand grows back and then the monster's there again. That cannot be allowed to happen."

Yeah, I have a response. Uh. What?

lay your weary head to rest

2007-07-18T00:58:00.000-04:00

I don't care how many times the commercial comes on: using Botox is not "express[ing] yourself."

there's all kinds of red-headed women that i ain't supposed to kiss

2007-07-09T02:05:00.000-04:00

Okay, just thinkin' out loud here. If your perfectionism outweighs (so to speak) your talent, where does that leave you?

Say Monet painted the waterlilies, and then thought "DAMN it, this SUCKS." (I mean, thought, "Ça, c'est MERDE.") He'd just have torn up the canvas and tossed it, right?

How often must that sort of thing have happened? How many potentially kickass artists (of any stripe, not just Frenchy paint-slingers) have given up before they really started, not because their work wasn't good enough for other people, but because it wasn't good enough for themselves?

Maybe zero. Just an insomniatic thought.

what the hell am i doing here

2007-07-05T02:24:00.000-04:00

I'm going to be fragging useless at work tomorrow.

Overactive imagination tonight.

Eesh.

the only reason that you came

2007-06-28T10:47:00.000-04:00

From the U.S. Soccer MNT June Blog: "Mexico just buried their second goal against Brazil and you could hear the surprised reaction from the players in their rooms and in the training room. What is going on here? Looks like the U.S. gone and pissed off the Mexicans."

LOOKS LIKE THE U.S. GONE AND PISSED OFF THE MEXICANS.

!!!

That's brilliant writing. How does one get that job?

every day there's a boy in the mirror

2007-06-24T20:34:00.001-04:00

I had to stop for actual geese waddling with their baby geese chicklets across Kelly Drive. It was cute.

This was not cute. This was just hot.

dude. that was tnt.

2007-06-22T21:14:00.000-04:00

Does anyone else laugh every time Paul Simon sings "I am Iraq; I am an island"?

What a poor grasp of geography that man has.

it's relentless, invisible, indefatigable, indisputable, undeniable

2007-05-30T10:53:00.000-04:00

Never thought I'd say this, but evidently I'm on Nicole Richie's side.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18537944/

'Did Nicole Richie really send an e-mail invitation to a Memorial Day party, suggesting friends “celebrate our country by drinking massive amounts of beer”? In Touch Weekly says she did, and reports that Richie claims that she was only trying to be funny. But some found no humor in the booze reference, nor in the “joke” from the super-skinny starlet that warned: “there will be a scale at the front door. No girls over 100 pounds allowed in. Start starving yourself now.”'

I don't who "some" are, but I hope they do enough quiet contemplation on Memorial Day to make up for the rest of us gettin' our drink awwwwnnnnn.

down with the moral majority 'cause i wanna be the minority

2007-05-15T23:13:00.000-04:00

So, it's Nutter. Hope he does well; I'll have to remember not to look shifty on the street.

This Republican debate tonight was gut-wrenching at times. It's just scary how much people want to hear simplistic buzz-phrases, and how the slightest hint of real nuance (As in: Ron Paul saying the September 11 attacks didn't happen only because we're free and happy and the terrorist jihadist suicidal martyrdom-seeking death-loving caliphate-builders hate that. Not as in: Rudy Giuliani's abortion "position.") was anathema to what seemed like every person in that hall.

the sheriff says 'boy, i'm gonna watch you die,' with nineteen minutes to go

2007-05-14T21:06:00.000-04:00

Now that I have my acoustic guitar, I have no excuse not to create, and so to politics.

Everybody in the mayor's race is psycho in some way, it seems. Chaka Fattah wants to slap GPS tracking devices on elementary school kids' backpacks, in case they go missing. Mike Nutter wants curfews, and cops actively stopping and frisking people they think look suspicious. Tommy Knox thinks Harrisburg will fork over a couple hundred million in school funding if he asks nicely. (He could do that himself and cut out the middleman if he wanted.) Bob Brady wants to put armed cops in some schools. (Because that could never go wrong - they're police officers.) And Dwight Evans thinks he has a chance. Actually, he's probably my favorite, if for no other reason than he's single and it's tough for unmarried people to get elected, seems like. Because, like, he's not married, so how could he care about children?

and he carries a reminder of every glove that laid him down or cut him till he cried out

2007-05-06T21:48:00.000-04:00

I can't objectively say whether or not I thought Spider-Man 3 was good because of my uncontrollable man-crush on James Franco.

i walk down to buy her flowers and sell some gifts that i got

2007-05-03T23:39:00.000-04:00

Rudy Giuliani is fucked.

Mitt Romney is smooth criminal.

before you leave i need to know you won't give in until you know that you don't want it

2007-05-02T21:25:00.000-04:00

I'm pleased to report that My Chemical Romance definitively does suck.

Occasionally I become concerned that my liking or disliking of an individual song is flavored by my perception of the band by which it's performed. While I'm sure this is true to an extent, I heard a song on the radio tonight that I hated long before the DJ said "'Famous Last Words.' By My Chemical Romance."

So that was nice to know.

i am your black swan, black swan

2007-04-26T21:37:00.000-04:00

If Dennis Kucinich is elected president, we as a nation would have our first smokin' first lady.

you didn't even hesitate, and now you and me are on our way

2007-04-15T23:22:00.000-04:00

That Aqua Teen movie is a lot better than you'd think.

Three days' rest? For real?

swaying to the symphony

2007-04-09T01:41:00.000-04:00

Want to see something ridiculous? How 'bout this?

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/64435/will_oprah_winfrey_
get_into_politics.html

Selected gems (and bear in mind, it's really hard to pick out certain things because the whole article is just jaw-droppingly fabulous after paragraph 13 or so):

"The traditional family home in America is fast becoming extinct and single parent families and dysfunctionality have become fashionable and acceptable.

I believe one of the causes is that a lot of women are not at home to take care of their husbands and children.

Instead they are working at their careers, with the ambition to compete with men in order to prove they are equal to men.

This is the brain washing which hardcore extremist feminists have done on them."

Damn those brainwashing hardcore feminists!

"Women don’t have to wear pants, suits, ties and grow a mustache and work 9-5 to prove they are equal to men.

If more women stay at home to look after their children and take care of their husbands, perhaps, the children will grow up to become responsible, employed, productive law abiding citizens, instead of welfare parasites, hardcore drug addicts and criminals.

And if the husbands are well taken care of to meet their sexual and emotional needs, they will not be tempted to cheat on their wives which often leads to the break up of the family.

When husbands are satisfied, they will become better human beings, more productive, more caring and more responsible to their wives and families."

SEE? The problem is that wives aren't giving enough head! We fellows don't have a choice but to stray!

Let me tell you, it's just such a tough life.

what's your name? who's your daddy? is he rich like me?

2007-03-29T23:21:00.000-04:00

Amazing, these ripple effects.

fifteen years old plus one, hotter than a microwave oven

2007-03-23T00:22:00.000-04:00

Curious George is rapidly becoming one of my favorite TV shows. (5:00 on PBS.) It's unbearably cute, and the narrator is fantastic. (Edited to add: Can I spot talent, or what? Apparently William H. Macy narrates. Solid.) And in the episode today, George went to a recycling center where there was all kinds of weird crap, including a huge stuffed banana. And he had a little daydream that he strung it up to a couple of poles and had a nap on it. It was a banana hammock.

Tell me the animators didn't do that on purpose. Just try.

i'm in love, but i'm lazy, so won't you

2007-03-21T11:09:00.000-04:00

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070321/ap_en_mu/music_nickelback;
_ylt=ArnaXPVUa_6ZEpn1AoyM0lBxFb8C

The Nickelback powerhouse rolls on

By NEKESA MUMBI MOODY, AP Music Writer
...
...Not everybody wants to sit and listen to Nickelback — mainly, most critics. Ever since the release of 2001's six-times platinum "Silver Side Up," they've gotten routine drubbings from music journalists and others who deride their radio-friendly, soaring rock songs as unoriginal, insipid or, perhaps of the worst all, Creed-like.

The AP knows where it's at. Emphasis mine.

i left my man in houston, texas

2007-03-06T21:58:00.000-05:00

I would pound Dawn Stensland.

Just kidding.

we don't need nothing but cyanide

2007-02-14T01:16:00.000-05:00

Wouldn't you think that if Comedy Central wanted The Sarah Silverman Program to be a success, they'd show funny parts in the advertisements?

there was a time in this fair land when the railroads did not run

2007-02-09T01:46:00.000-05:00

Has anyone, to date, pointed out possibly the most significant thing in the Scooter Libby trial (which is that Valerie Plame is a fairly attractive woman)?

Haha. This girl's away message is "I'm going to Ecuadore!!!!!!!!" She's sweet, as I recall, but, you know, spell it right.

I'm going to South Affrica!!!!!!!!

i don't feel so good - don't feel justified. come and put a little love here in my void

2007-01-21T01:02:00.000-05:00

I have Internet again.

And here's the deep thought I've been saving up for this day:

How many times do you think any given one of the *NSYNC guys, upon nailing a groupie after an end-of-work-week concert, screamed, "It's Friday night and I just got LAID, bitch!", and then high-fived himself?

like drinking poison - like eating glass

2006-12-30T03:25:00.000-05:00

You know, I'm pretty sure Saddam Hussein was a grade-A asshole, but it really bothers me that, as a country, we were even remotely involved in hanging someone in the year 2006.

got a black magic woman...

2006-12-06T01:02:00.000-05:00

Jordan's married now.

Whoa.

It was fun, though, and we got to play dress-up, which is always a plus.

well, i know it's kind of late - i hope i didn't wake you.

2006-11-23T03:54:00.000-05:00

"My troat hurts." I don't know if I'm a little bit sick, or if it's because I was really committed to singing Disturbed the other night, but my troat hurts nonetheless.

Four, by the way - which I believe is a new personal record.

a little something for your earhole. get up!

2006-11-21T03:12:00.000-05:00

On the music rack at Wal-Mart:

"Barkle Gnarls"

Never heard of it, but it's a pretty awesome name.

if i had your number, you'd be getting a phone call...

2006-11-14T01:19:00.002-05:00

It has become obvious, in this age of mega-churches, that Christianity is where the money's at right now. I've decided to cash in.

How, you ask?

I'll tell you.

Very soon, I will be starting up a line of Christian health clubs - complete with private shower stalls, holy water fountains, and bread of the Lord in the vending machines.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness."

what do you mean i don't support your system? i go to court when i have to... what do you mean i don't pay my bills? why, do you think i'm broke? huh?

2006-11-11T03:00:00.000-05:00

That was freakin' random. Neat, but random.

and the worms ate into his brain

2006-11-08T01:31:00.000-05:00

Let's go Dem-o-crats! *clap clap clapclapclap*

Sweet.

This has been an excellent night for two of my favorite things - jacking up taxes and baby-killing, of course - not only with the Democrats taking control of at least one chamber, but also with South Dakotans voting down their total abortion ban and California rejecting a parental notification initiative.

I'm pretty stoked. Come on, Missouri.

luv ya blue...

2006-11-03T01:20:00.000-05:00

In fast-forwarding through a tape that was supposed to have tonight's episode of "The Office" on it, I found an absolute gem - apparently, we taped most of the fourth quarter of an Oilers-49ers game from mid-October, 1990. (For some reason.) Advertisements for the third game of the Reds-Pirates NLCS gave away the time frame, and pro-football-reference.com confirms that it was a Week 5 matchup. As far as I know, this is the only video of the Oilers to which I have access.

As the recording starts, the Oilers are up 21-14 with about 12 minutes to go, and Joe Montana's Niners are driving. I'm absolutely engrossed as I'm watching this, because I'm seeing Bubba McDowell lay out nasty hits and Ray Childress stuff runs, and it actually tugs at my heartstrings because I've never cared about the NFL as much since the Oilers moved. Anyway, the defense makes a good stop on goal-to-go and holds San Francisco to a Mike Cofer field goal. 21-17.

Bear in mind that while watching the tape, I have no idea how this game will turn out, but I'm sure Oiler fans would know where this is going. Houston finds themselves with a slim fourth-quarter lead, about 10 minutes to go, and a Jack Pardee-coached run-and-shoot offense. Here, in Part One of why this tape is an absolutely perfect microcosm of the Houston Oilers as I remember them, is their ensuing drive chart.

1st down and 10 (HOU 20): Sack.

2nd down and 23 (HOU 7): Pass for no gain.

3rd down and 23 (HOU 7): Pass for short gain.

4th down and 15 (HOU 15): Punt.

Total time taken off the clock? Maybe a minute.

Greg Montgomery's punt is very good (and that pleases me, because I remember him being solid) and the Niners start from a few yards deep in their own territory. They move the ball pretty effectively across midfield, and it's a little bit scary.

And then Montana drops back to pass... is pressured by William Fuller... and gets rid of the ball, incomplete, just before he's laid out hard (but cleanly) by Ezra Johnson. Montana's a little shaken up, and George Seifert decides to bring in their backup quarterback, a kid by the name of Steve Young, for one play, just to give Joe a rest.

And here, my friends, is Part Two of why this bit of video is just too awfully, horribly good. Young fumbles his only snap of the game. Ray Childress falls on it. The Oilers have the ball back near midfield and a four-point lead, and the Dome is going crazy... wait, what?

"Before the ball was snapped, timeout was called by the defense... their first charged timeout..."

I, 16 years later, am floored by this, mouth agape.

Naturally, on the next play of the game, Montana completes a 43-yard TD pass to John Taylor, and the Niners go up by three.

There, with those two snippets, you have the Houston Oilers in a nutshell. A fundamental inability to adapt to late-game situations, and a probably-unprecendented streak of just ridiculously awful luck.

They went on to lose the game, of course, although my tape stops at the two-minute warning with the 49ers driving again (the Oilers went three-and-out after Taylor's touchdown).

It did my heart good to see the fellows in Columbia blue with derricks on their helmets playing on artificial turf. With Warren Moon out there, who was a black pocket passer before there was such a thing, and so on, and so forth.

But I'm still mad that they lost.

the following is an unpaid political advertisement

2006-10-26T01:38:00.000-04:00

I'd just like to plug Roger Buchanan for state representative here. He's just a nice, good guy, and a smart fellow, who freely admits that he fully expects to get his ass kicked in this relatively conservative district. Maybe we can help narrow that margin a little bit and shoot for the moral victory. Like a I-AA team taking Ohio State to overtime.

Hm. "Crikeyes" (somebody reads this?! I should really edit more carefully...) points out that the Sunsilk voiceover is actually provided by the guy who gets to hang out with Kristin Davis all the time on "Sex and the City," which marks the second time I've mentioned that show here. (As an aside, I believe doctors recommend you perform a testicular self-exam, just to make sure you've still got everything, after three separate SATC posts, so I've still got another one to go.) Anyway, I sincerely apologize to any Jewish New York women I may have offended with my inadequate ear, since it turns out the offender is an Italian New York gay man. But I kind of like his character on the show, so maybe he can be allowed to live, and I'll just cover my ears and sing "La Marseillaise" at the top of my lungs, which I firmly believe is the more pleasant option for any innocent bystanders, when the commercial comes on.

Also, why would Sunsilk pay that guy when they could just get some unknown who sounds like him to do it for a whole lot cheaper?

Also also, does it completely prick the balloon of my faux-outrage if I admit that there is Sunsilk currently residing in my shower caddy? It wasn't my choice, and I didn't buy it, but I do use it. Am I going through hairapy? Do they charge for that?

All I want for Christmas is an infinite supply of free E-strings, or one that won't break, like Fflewddur Fflam's. I'd love to be able to say I'm referencing him from The Mabinogion, because that would sound much cooler, but no, definitely The Book of Three. Okay, it's a weakness, and it's not nice of you to make fun of me for it.

on nails-on-chalkboard advertising...

2006-10-24T01:58:00.000-04:00

Two comments on the little five-second ads they run on the Wal-Mart CD scanners before they play the clips from the CDs.

1.) That Sunsilk "Get yourself some hairapy" bit. The voiceover woman sounds to me like she's supposed to be an assertive (read: annoying) Jewish woman from New York, although I may be mishearing my stereotypes. In any event, if you're in a death pool, you should throw her name on your list, because I'm pretty sure she's well under a hundred, and I'm also pretty sure she's going to die a horrible, violent, bloody, bloody, bloody death in a short time. Not that I'll have anything to do with it.

2.) Stayfree Ultra Max (I think): "Dry protection you can actually touch." ...but why would you WANT to?

*shudder*

full of controversy until i retire my jersey

2006-10-19T23:52:00.000-04:00

You just can't imagine the joy it gave me seeing basically the only two Cardinals I like - Jeff Suppan and Adam Wainwright - shut down the goddamned Mets. And watching ol' Carlos "Nine Figures" Beltran strike out looking to lose the game... just truly brilliant.

Now, go Tigers.

During the game, there was this commercial for some Herbal Essences color-enhancing product. Having already set back the women's movement a couple decades with that "truly organic experience" commercial a couple years ago, they seem to have decided to take a more race-oriented tack this time around. It starts off with a shot of the back of some blonde's head, so you just see her hair. And the voiceover says something like "Not a natural blonde? Really?" Then, the girl turns around, and - shock! - she's Asian, and as you realize this, a fricking gong sounds. So then the voiceover says something to the effect of "Everyone will believe your parents are Swedish!" and the Asian says "Ja!"

Ooooooooookay.

I was listening to "The Eminem Show" on the way home from work, and as the verse about the FCC not letting poor Shady be came on, I was on Swamp Pike behind a car whose license plate began with FCC. True story.

the king-craft of a meritless crown

2006-10-19T03:03:00.000-04:00

This is as good a place as any to make sure I remember Arctic Monkeys, S&M (Metallica, you perverts), Tom Petty, and that FYE doesn't sell Scissor Sisters, those bastards.

I have it on good authority that there is at least one real person in the world, who has my greatest sympathy, with the last name of Assfalk.

Dial-up is slowly eating my soul. This fact has planted in my mind the seed of an interesting, if untested, theory as to how Rick Santorum managed to lose his, and I believe an investigation into his modem history should be commissioned posthaste.

I note that Billy Wagner managed to stop blowing a playoff save halfway through the process tonight, shocking Astros fans worldwide.

If "Astros fans worldwide" is a phrase that made you scoff, I probably don't like you very much.

Speaking of sports, when the heck is Sunil Gulati going to hire a damn coach? I'll do it. I can guarantee that I wouldn't play a single-striker formation in a must-win game - shouldn't that qualify me?

Hi, my name's Zac, and I'm addicted to Gordon Lightfoot.

I'd pay a lot of good money for a windshield that is never anything but perfectly clear. A lot.

Some days I feel I should take a moment to be grateful for Yuengling's relative cheapness here, when it went for about five bucks a glass in Ithaca, if you could even find it. Of course, there's a drastic shortage of Black Forest around here, so I guess it's something of an even trade. (Lindsey would likely point out that my lack of access to Black Forest means I also lack the ability to stain jackets a color that I'll call beer-orange with an ill-timed flick of the wrist, which could be considered a tiebreaker in favor of the Pottsville product).

I've noticed that companies rarely refer to their products and/or services as "cheap"; instead, they are "cost-effective." This is silly.

I never wrote down anything about Germany, and I had intended to. There was a great bit about a huge, hairy German man who I was sitting next to on the Amsterdam-to-Dusseldorf flight, and for most of the flight he just sort of bulked, but toward the end he decided he had to take pictures of the (apparently?) picturesque landscape, by which I mean runway, so he leaned over me in a hairy German fashion and snapped away. I was nearly absorbed. And there was the couple from San Antonio on the way back - likely Spurs fans, which could be the origin of their evil. The wife reminded me, literarily, of Dolores Umbridge; or, more obscurely but more accurately, Mrs. Palk from Over Sea, Under Stone. At first glance you might have thought she was just a sweet mature lady, but then she was downright evil. But it was so long ago that I don't remember how.

What reminded me of that was that there was an American guy on the plane (the one with the hairy German) who was hitting on this German woman, and told her that Yuengling was brewed in Pittsburgh, which is just wrong, but I didn't correct him, because I was rooting for him.

I was so bad at buses in Germany. One time I think I jumped the gun putting my fare in the slot, or something, and the driver apparently thought I was a dumb German instead of a dumb American, because he said something to me in his native tongue, to which I nodded understandingly and replied "Ja." Then I sat down and tried to figure out what he had said. Didn't work. Later, this same driver yelled out the window at a woman who was jaywalking, and I'd swear on a stack of Bibles that he said "DAS IS ROAD!" to her, but I'm sure I'd be wrong, because, you know, German.

And on the train, when Jordan and I took our ill-fated excursion to Dortmund on the second-to-last day that ended up just being essentially a couple of hour-long train rides, there was this group of three or four boys, and it was funny because one of them was so obviously the ringleader. He radiated presence. Kid was probably 11, at best, but he was essentially the Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez of this group. I swear his friends were taking their disputes to him for mediation, looking to him for approval of their jokes, the whole nine meters. Some day he's going to get sidetracked by a girl, and those other dudes are going to have no idea what to do with themselves.

The first night I went for a walk while Jordan was crashing, and this guy drove by with the windows down and the system up, bumping some Britney Spears.

Whenever we walked by Sweden fans, I'd yell "SCHWEDEN!" because that's how they were listed on the schedule I had, and I'd generally get a bemused smile in return, and it just never occured to me that I should be yelling "Sverige!" instead. I'll get 'em in South Africa.

Those little Pepperidge Farm mini Nantucket cookies are really quite good. Crumby, but excellent.

i flirt with every flighty thing that falls my way

2006-10-14T15:14:00.000-04:00

Anyone have any idea why Limerick is full of insane drivers who want to kill me? No? Just thought I'd ask.

hey, if that's what you want to do, then suture self

2006-10-10T23:36:00.000-04:00

I thought of another good bad-and-good-lyrics-in-the-same-song example - "Your Past" by Home Grown.

Bad:

I'm stupid
And dumb in the brain
And I shouldn't have shouldn't have shouldn't have shouldn't have
Pushed you away

"Dumb in the brain"? Come on.

Good:

I'm biting my tongue
With my foot in my mouth
Kickin' myself
Kickin' myself in the ass

Haha! Clever.

possibly the worst thing about this mark foley scandal?

2006-10-08T20:58:00.000-04:00

Dude cannot spell at all. I've never "spirted" in my LIFE. (Transcript here: www.slate.com/id/2150769/ )

I hope he doesn't write his own legislation. "Bee it hearbye resalved that I luve sixtene-year-old boyz."

no other crush could taste so sweet

2006-10-07T19:23:00.000-04:00

There's a great line in "Bambi" that I'd totally forgotten about. It's winter, and Bambi and Thumper are skating around on that pond, and then they scurry over to Flower's little snowed-in den type of thing, where Flower's sleeping. And Thumper thumps and yells at him to wake up. So he does, and blinks a couple times, and looks up, and Thumper says:

"Whatcha doin'? Hibernatin'?"

It's out freaking standing.

shakira's hips are a lot like cocaine

2006-10-03T00:34:00.000-04:00

Can you guess how?

**

There were some quotes tonight that were fairly without price. A couple examples, neither of which I can take credit for:

1. "Here's the thing about my dick."

2. Setup: "I completely forgot I have Charlie Frye on the bench. Obviously you start the guy who's playing the Raiders instead of a guy who's playing the Bears or the Eagles."
Response: "You know that alphabet thing when you're eating out a girl? That doesn't work at all."

**

Let's talk about songs that manage to have really good and really bad lyrics in them. One example is "Heavy Fuel" by Dire Straits. Here're some awful lyrics, for example:

My chick loves a man who's strong
The things she'll do to turn me on
I love the babes, don't get me wrong
Hey, that's why I wrote this song

I mean, that's just terrible. Now, same song:

Don't care if my liver is hangin' by a thread
Don't care if my doctor says I ought to be dead
When my ugly big car won't climb this hill
I'll write a suicide note on a hundred-dollar bill

That's awesome. How, Mr. Knopfler, can you subject the greatness of the latter stanza to the misery that is the former? How?

I'll get back to you as soon as I can think of another example.

**

I accidentally listened to a little bit of Hannity or something like that today - whatever's on AM radio at 4:00 - and some guy called in and said that this thing with the Mark Foley (R-Fla.) guy who sent sex e-mails to a teenage boy was just another illustration of the pestilent cesspool that passes for Democrats' moral values.

Huh?

Right.

I didn't get it either.

i have thought of only two things...

2006-09-25T23:06:00.000-04:00

...that bug me more than being told to relax when I'm already perfectly calm. One of them is Rod Stewart; the other, surprisingly enough, is not Bam Margera.

Moving on... ever think about what an amazing thing it is that correspondence sign-offs like "Truly yours" were able to become common? Because, you know... damn, what a commitment that is. Truly yours. Yours sincerely. Wow. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

shake trip shimmy

2006-09-20T01:37:00.000-04:00

Advertisement stuck on my car window today:

"Psychic Readings by Laura. Under New Management"

1. So, it's another Laura, then?

2. You'd think they'd psychic up their revenue projections.

Unrelated: tonight the theory was advanced that the reason Jesus always turned the other cheek was due to OCD, which instilled in him an overwhelming need to even things out.

whoa

2006-09-16T12:16:00.000-04:00

The other night, I drove home in the rainy dark listening to Beethoven.

KICK ASS.

poke fun at the elderly!

2006-09-08T01:18:00.000-04:00

From Yahoo! Sports' preview of the Penn State-Notre Dame game:

"Paterno had an abrupt answer when asked if Notre Dame might be vulnerable at home after losing to Southern California and Michigan State in South Bend last season.

'I haven't got the slightest idea what you're talking about,' the 41-year coaching veteran said. He then shambled angrily away, toddling along in a sort of strange series of ellipses toward his car, which was parked at an angle of approximately 30 degrees across the 45-yard line. His players continued discreetly conducting their drills around the vehicle as Paterno screamed for 'these goddamn kids' to 'get the fuck off [his] lawn.'"

<3 JoePa.

Also, this is how the cleaning lady at work says she prepares fish:

"I bread it, you know, with the bread, right? And then season it with the seasons."

i bring you bad writing...

2006-09-05T21:19:00.000-04:00

courtesy of the Homeownership Preservation Foundation, front and center in one of their press releases:

Are you among the millions of American homeowners who financed a home with an adjustable rate mortgage (ARM) loan? You aren't alone.

NO FREAKIN' WAY!

this is an apb

2006-09-04T02:38:00.000-04:00

Who wants to go to the goddamn Astros-Phillies game tomorrow?

Roger Clemens. Cole Hamels. 3:05 start time. I mean, come ON.

(The above question is rhetorical.)

Possibly the best comic strip collection ever: The Boondocks, "Because I Know You Don't Read The Newspaper."

Observe: (Huey's prospective teacher and principal are chatting about the difficulties of having a black kid in class.)

Teacher: "I don't know anything about black people. What if I say the wrong thing? The school will get sued - I'll lose my job..."

Principal: "I'm way ahead of ya, John. I've already asked the board for emergency 'sensitivity training' funds. Not much, but it's a start."

T: "Sensitivity training?"

P: "I rented a bunch of movies from a video store in the city. They should give you a good exposure to black culture."

T: "'Menace II Society?' 'Shaft's Big Score!'? 'Dolemite'? 'The Mack'?

P: "Enjoy. Late fees are on you."

Next day's, continued:

T: "Do you think a movie named 'Booty Call' will really make me more racially sensitive, sir?"

P: "The black kid behind the counter said it was a classic. Look, we have 'Truck Turner,' 'B.A.P.S.,' 'Black Belt Jones' - all powerful portrayals of the black experience, according to that kid - and he should know. See here? Jim Kelly in 'Black Samurai.' I bet you didn't even know there were black samurai. You're learning already."

T: "Sir, was the kid behind the counter laughing when you rented these?"

P: "They're a naturally jovial people, John."

"They're a naturally jovial people." Brilliant.

from the 'aww' files...

2006-09-01T00:23:00.000-04:00

Caitlin, sitting next to Dan, decides to her head on his shoulder.

Dan says, "You gettin' tired, babe?"

Cait: "No. You're just soft."

Studio audience: "AWWWWWWW."

A bit later, "Isn't She Lovely" (Stevie Wonder, I think?) was on the radio. Got stuck in my head. I started singing it. Cait's still got her head on Dan's shoulder, eyes closed now. I'm rocking out. "Isn't she preeeeeeciousssssssssss,"

Dan grins, vaguely impish, and nods.

Studio audience: "AWWWWWWW."

*

On another note. Billboard on City Ave., I think, advertising Gosling's Bermuda Black Rum, which I've never heard of before seeing it. Biggest part of the billboard is taken up with a picture of the bottle, and next to it, in large type:

"UNAVAILABLE ALMOST EVERYWHERE."

Then, smaller, the tagline at the bottom: "Gosling's. For seven stubborn generations."

And the fine print, which was something like: "If you do manage to find a bottle, please drink responsibly."

Nice.

cease-fire in uganda...

2006-08-31T01:23:00.000-04:00

...which is awfully cool on the face of it. It also makes me possibly the most successful protestor ever, percentage-wise. I think I'm batting 1.000. I'm willing to make myself available to the Darfur folks for a negotiable fee.

"I'm such a good person."

(Please realize the above is in jest and I'm overjoyed for the people involved.)

which nba player am i?

2006-08-20T02:55:00.000-04:00

Of course,

Shane Battier

http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/testgen/4249/

how do you spell 'natural born killers'?

2006-08-15T23:27:00.000-04:00

I'll tell you: e-f-f-e-d.

I just saw it for the first time - okay, so I'm a decade behind everyone else - and now I'm scared of everything in my house, including myself.

By the end of it, they're not very concerned with being subtle with the message, are they?

*shot of Pleasantville family watching Mickey and Mallory rain blood from the skies*

*shot of O.J. Simpson trial coverage*

*shot of Mallory with the words "TOO MUCH T.V." written across her shirt in some sort of light*

OKAY, I GET IT ALREADY. THE T.V. IS TELLING ME TO STOP WATCHING T.V. Just quit freaking me out, Oliver Stone.

Jeesh.

It's not at all that I didn't like it, by the way. It's just unsettling. It's like, and don't laugh at me, that intense scene in "The Faculty" when all the hive-brain students are at the football game cheering and chanting "KILL! KILL! KILL!" while Usher beats the ever-loving hell out of the opposing team and then assimilates them, times a bajillion.

(Hey. I'm ALLOWED to use "The Faculty" in a serious context. It's ROBERT RODRIGUEZ, damn it! It's got street cred! And Famke Janssen. Oh man. Oh... man.)

(Whether I'm allowed to use the phrase "street cred" is a totally different debate.)

Astros and Cubs tied 6-6, in the bottom of the 10th, Chris Burke is on third, one out, Lance Berkman batting.

Come on, Lance.

Ooh. He's IBB, bringing up red-hot young Luke Scott with runners on the corners. Roberto Novoa, doing the pitching, praying for a double-play ball here.

Come on, Luke.

OH HELL, THEY'RE WALKING THE BASES LOADED.

So now there's a force at every base and Aubrey Huff batting. He's 3-4 today with a double and a pair of runs knocked in.

Come on, Aubrey.

Damn it. Grounder to first, 3-2 force, two down.

And Everett pops out.

DAMN IT.

Inning break - time for an Eskimo Pie. Is that, by the way, the most racist name for an ice-cream treat possible?

Fernando Nieve to pitch the 11th. Dave Borkowski the only remaining Astro in the 'pen.

Aside: The Archbishop of Denver was interviewed on the NewsHour tonight. The Archbishop... of Denver. It somehow lacks the gravity of, I don't know, Canterbury. Sounds cool though.

Leadoff walk to Juan Pierre, who sucks. Don't know why you wouldn't just pump him fastballs down the middle.

HAHA! Izturis pops out trying to bunt him over.

Pinch-hitter Neifi Perez, who blows but usually hits well against the 'Stros, grounds into an inning-ending double play. Rock solid. To the bottom of the 11th, where the Cubs will be forced to bring out what I must assume is their last available pitcher - they've used seven already today, counting the starter.

It's Angel Guzman, who has an ERA over 7. He promptly induces a Brad Ausmus groundout. Jason Lane, who hasn't gotten a hit since the Nixon administration, batting.

Every time I look over my shoulder I see Woody Harrelson with devil horns and a face dripping blood. Make it stop.

Lane flies out to center. Willy Taveras up. Flyout.

Aramis Ramirez against Nieve. Flyout. Jacque Jones. Flyout. One of these balls is going to leave the yard soon and I'm going to be peeved. Famke Janssen. Sexy. Very sexy. John Mabry. Foul out.

This game needs to end soon so I can stop freakin' writing.

Chris Burke. Single!

Morgan Ensberg. Draws a walk - that's about all he can do these days. Two on, none out. Berkman. Fielder's choice, Burke cut down at third. Two on, one out. Scott. Flyout. Eric Munson pinch-hitting for Nieve - it'll be Borkowski in the 13th if they don't score here - strikeout. Damn it.

Side note - I'm reading an interview of Bruce Arena on SI.com (http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/writers/grant_wahl/08/15/arena.qa/index.html) and the dude is NUTS.

"SI.com: You care about the U.S. team, don't you?

Arena: Oh yeah. They're going to win the next World Cup, from what I'm told. So I wish them the best. Because we did so poorly over the last eight years, I'm sure they're going to win the next World Cup. ...Do you think I want to show them something? What am I going to show them? I've probably showed them the finest eight years of the national team they're going to see for a long time. I don't need to prove anything to them."

The Long Islander has thankfully left the national team and is coaching in New York now. Aren't they just so lucky to have him?

Borkowski's pitching, now, against Ronny Cedeno. He's fast, but no power. Flies out. Michael Barrett, who's a total jackass by the way, grounds out. And Matt Murton, whose 9th-inning homer sent this thing to extras in the first place... flyout. Big Dave holds it down.

Adam Everett tries to get it going for Houston. Strikes out after a long battle. Ausmus - double! Lane... strikeout. Naturally. Taveras. Deep flyout.

To the 14th. This is turning into LDS Game 4.

Pierre. Lines out. Izturis singles. Carlos Zambrano, yesterday's starting pitcher, pinch-hits for Guzman. That means the Cubs are out of relievers and Zambrano will presumably be staying in the game.

Double play!

Ah, my mistake. Guzman was a starter - so the Cubs had one reliever left, Ryan Dempster, who comes in now. Burke up, 2-2 today. Now 3-3 with a single to left here, bringing up Ensberg.

HE FLIES OUT AND FAILS TO ADVANCE THE RUNNER.

He's going to need to confess to the Archbishop of Denver about that.

Berkman. With Borkowski on deck and the bench empty - and the Cubs are pitching to Berkman. Ha ha!

He strikes out - Burke takes second.

Borkowski up. A game-winning hit here would be absolutely legendary. But he grounds out.

Fifteenth inning on the way. Good God almighty.

The only pitcher the Astros could use without breaking into the starting rotation is Jason Lane, who's now playing right field, and who pitched in college for USC.

Statistical note - before this year, Borkowski had not had a major-league plate appearance since 1999.

Aramis Ramirez up and flies out. He's the big gun in the lineup, so it's nice not to have to face him for another eight batters. Jacque Jones strikes out. John Mabry, who grounded into The Double Play as a Cardinal last postseason, is now up. And grounds out.

Plugging onward. Eric Munson, a backup catcher now playing first base by necessity, with a leadoff single. Everett bunts him over to second. It's now up to Brad Ausmus or Jason Lane to bring him home, and two factors work against that - they're bad hitters, and he's a slow runner. Sixteen innings, anyone?

Ausmus walks.

Lane flies out. It's up to Willy T. Who fails, grounding into a fielder's choice.

On to the 16th. The Cubs haven't mounted even a limp offensive threat for something like an hour. The Astros have merely failed to cash in on their opportunities.

Cedeno leads it off. Borkowski is beginning his fourth inning of work. Flyout to lead off the inning. Barrett, having gone 1-4 and yelled at three puppies so far today, pops out. Murton grounds out to short.

The Astros' bullpen has been flawless since the 10th inning. Wish they could hit.

Chris Burke leads off with a hit-by-pitch and has still not failed to reach base yet today. Ensberg, who's sucked harder than Augustus Gloop on a blueberry lolly since about May, grounds into a fielder's choice that is the end of Burke on the basepaths. By far Houston's best pure hitter, Lance Berkman, is now up, 0-5 today and clearly due. He strikes out, bringing up Borkowski, again. Who grounds out, again.

To the seventeenth. This is already the longest regular-season game in Minute Maid Park history. Juan Pierre, again. Grounds out. Izturis. Flies out. Dempster, pinch-hit for by another pitcher, kid named Carlos Marmol. He's a starter. Will he pitch the bottom half? He strikes out.

Young Rich Hill, another starter and a lefty, comes in to pitch to Eric Munson and strikes him out on three pitches. Everett grounds out. Ausmus singles on a hard liner up the middle, bringing up, once again, the erstwhile Jason Lane. He strikes out.

We go to the 18th.

I swear I'm not making this up.

Borkowski trots back out for his sixth inning of work. His mother must be upset with how Phil Garner is treating her son's arm.

Ramirez leads off with a double. Frylock, get out of the pool. Jones up and ideally will be retired without moving the runner over.

(Interesting side note - the Cubs started the game with a guy named, honestly, Angel Pagan playing left field.)

Jones singles, but the threat of Jason Lane's arm (really?) holds Ramirez at third.

Mabry pops out foul. Ronny Cedeno batting, and a double play would end the threat. He grounds out to the drawn-in third baseman, with Ramirez holding at third. Two away and Michael Barrett up. He's walked intentionally for Matt Murton. I don't get this move.

Two-run single. 8-6. Pierre grounds out, but damage done. Taveras leads off the bottom half of the 18th to try and get a rally going.

He works the count full and flies out.

Burke. Groundout.

Ensberg. Strikeout.

DAMN IT.

and you thought i was kidding...

2006-08-15T02:50:00.000-04:00

Dan and I just played Guitar Hero (on hard, career mode) for about an hour and a half solid.

And neither of us are ashamed of it in the least.

When I got home, there was the fruit salad Mom had made earlier in a Tupperware thing on the counter. And there was a note on top of it that said the following:

"Evenin', sweetie! DO NOT INGEST LEST YOU POSSIBLY BECOME DEAD! IT STINKS!!! Love ya, Mom and Dad"

So, there is apparently a biological weapon that runs counter to several international statutes sitting in my kitchen. I'm looking forward to getting the full story tomorrow morning.

A quote from Robbie from last night that must needs be immortalized in some way: "Dude, if I'm gonna get some dome, are you gonna hate on that?"

two words: deja vu...

2006-08-13T02:09:00.000-04:00

Uncanny and unfortunate.

Now playing in my head on infinite repeat: Hot Hot Heat - "Talk To Me, Dance With Me"

"You are my only girl but you're not my owner, girl"

over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

And yet it's really more catchy than annoying.

They have a PS2 with "Guitar Hero" on it at Wal-Mart. My remaining week of freedom appears suddenly to be booked solid.

vague generalities, general vagaries, pointed specifics, specific points

2006-08-09T00:14:00.000-04:00

Things I came close to almost breaking today:

- a bottle of gamay beaujolais (unpurchased at that time)

- the Audi logo on the back of Alex's car (this was never really in danger)

- my damn skull, thanks to the low-hanging aspects of the basement ceiling (invariably rock-hard and occasionally sharp)

- at least four hearts (believe it, baby)

*

I was at the bank to open an empty checking account. There were a few people there, and some had kids with them. One particular set of these kids, a girl and a boy, were I think writing a song in the middle of the lobby. The girl was slightly older - let's put her at just-turned-7, and the boy at a late 5 or so. She's clearly the leader, here.

Anyway, they're making up this song. It's primarily the girl singing a verse, and the boy singing it back to her, and her brightly nodding with approval and moving on.

To my everlasting chagrin, I can't remember the whole thing, but the part of it that I can went something like this:

"The dog called us so we walked over to him but we couldn't understand what he was saying, ruff ruff." That was part of a verse.

This is, I believe, the chorus. "Please stop calling us, please stop calling us, please stop calling us for an hour or two. Please stop calling us, please stop calling us, please stop calling us, so we can have something else to do."

Frankly, that looks like it could be one of the less incomprehensible Radiohead songs to me. I can't tell you how disappointed I was when their (grand?)mother shushed them and told them that the bank is like the library where you have to whisper, which is a blatant lie, but it would probably have been an improper usurpation of (grand?)parental power to point that out to the young musicians.

*

Thanks to grainy wee-hour reruns on WB17, I've now watched more episodes of "Sex and the City" than I care to admit (which still, I hasten to add, isn't many, but that's not really the point). This can be ascribed primarily to two factors: "there's nothing else on" - which, as many of us know, can be an extremely powerful motivator - and the positive word of a fairly wide spectrum of people whose opinions are generally to be respected.

Anyway, I guess the most likely explanation is that I just don't get it, 'cause it ain't rising above the level of "moderately pleasant diversion" for me, and if that were true for everyone else then it wouldn't really justify the hype. I will say this, however: Sarah Jessica Parker is unfairly maligned as hideous slightly too often. She's not. She's even attractive on certain occasions, when her hair is properly restrained so it isn't hissing and turning innocent bystanders to stone.

art hill on baseball...

2006-08-08T01:59:00.000-04:00

"With those who don't give a damn about baseball, I can only sympathize. I do not resent them. I am even willing to concede that many of them are physically clean, good to their mothers and in favor of world peace. But while the game is on, I can't think of anything to say to them."

I echo his well-expressed sentiments and extend them to soccer in my own personal case.

I got a job.

i've decided we should all move past the phrase 'drunk dial'...

2006-08-01T03:39:00.000-04:00

...it's just lost its ring (ha ha!), for me.

How 'bout:

"tanked telephoning"

"retarded ring"

"blasted buzz"

"crocked communiqué"

Leaving behind alliteration:

"foolish idea"

"pulling an Erb"

Take it under advisement, come up with something good, insert it virally into common parlance. A grateful nation thanks you.

allow me to paint for you a picture...

2006-07-30T04:14:00.000-04:00

...Wednesday, July 26.

8:30 a.m.

I have a job interview in Bala Cynwyd in 2 hours.

I'm in the bathroom, immediately post-shower, trying desperately to do something involving gel and my hair that doesn't result in hideousness so that I can look good for "Becky," who is the person from Business Wire who called me and is therefore the one I must assume is going to be interviewing me.

My mother, oblivious to my struggle with my bountiful locks, putting on a CD that I burned for her, and then starting to do the dishes in the kitchen, which is in the next room over.

Ben Folds, who is on this particular CD, singing plaintively, "Everybody knows it sucks to grow up, but everybody does."

While I'm still trying to convincingly put gel in my hair.

So that I can get a job. And, you know, grow up.

It was poignant, in my mind.

Maybe you had to be there.

york peppermint patties...

2006-07-30T03:51:00.001-04:00

...and cute smiles rule my roost.

television-induced comma (and other punctuation, and letters)...

2006-07-28T19:54:00.000-04:00

I'd like to begin this presentation by saying if this were 9/12/2001, that Chevy commercial where the people jump out of buildings in order to get to the model year-end clearance would be very, very offensive.

But it ain't, so it's just a another bad car commercial.

Next slide, please.

Ah, yes. Okay, the fact that we're hearing Fall Out Boy on the commercials for the movie "Zoom" creates, for me, mixed emotions: on the one hand, the bad hand, that is, it forces you to listen to a snippet of the song unless you're quick with the mute button. On the other hand, though, the good one this time, it's a very solid indicator that the song, and therefore the band that wrote it, is finally dying a slow, painful death.

Next - ooh, you anticipated me that time. Well done.

Here we have an example of one of the finest commercials ever made, a real slump-buster after the annoying fare with which they'd been attempting to ply us.

I give you Dunkin' Donuts:

"The backs of my LEEEEEEEEEEEGS!

*pause*

Stickin' to the PLEATHERRRRRRR!"